What’s Updates Vol. 5

I can feel yet another shift on the horizon of my life, as if it’s about to take another unexpected and uncomfortable turn I’d rather not take. The part of me that craves stability does not like this sensation one bit. But it’s a sensation that I’m realizing comes often when you decide to walk a path that bears no one else’s footprints, the one that’s meant for you to blaze.

I’m walking that path and it doesn’t have a lot of permanency to it, meaning that just as I start to get comfortable with any one stage, it’s time to go and shift and change again in another. It feels like a total reflection of how my housing situation has unfolded these past few months. About every month since June, I’ve had to relocate and adjust to a new living space. I’ve lived in five different “homes,” starting with a curtained hostel bed in a dorm room and ending (hopefully!) with this apartment in Jalatlaco. It’s been a lot of change and adjustment. Fortunately, I tend to be pretty adaptable…after I get over the grudge of having to do it to begin with.

At the moment, I’m not yet fully adjusted to my new digs. I still miss and yearn for the comforts of the one I just left behind. Just like I did when I moved into that one. It’s a cycle of mine. Move in, adjust, attach, detach, move out, move in, adjust, attach…and so on. I guess I should learn by now to never get too attached, but I always do. I guarantee that by next week’s What’s Update I’ll be feeling right at home here, clinging to it, and never wanting to let go.

Combined with this inkling that my whole world is about to shift yet again, I’m feeling entirely unsettled at the moment. When I set out on this path, my only destination was true soul alignment in life and work, which didn’t carry a lot of clues for what that might include or how to get there. Instead, what it’s revealed is mostly what can’t belong on the path. It’s been a stripping away and to a frightening degree. In this open unknown, I’ve been finding myself scrambling to find something safe when things get scary (things like jobs, apartments, connections, paths I can see beyond just the one step in front of me). But those safe things can’t go with me on this road. This road, the one I deep down want to walk, is for the brave. For the ones who don’t need to see the whole path laid out before them.

What’s been stripped away this past week, besides the latest apartment I’ve attached myself to, is the sense that what I’ve been building on this blog and my vision for where it leads needs to be scrapped, or at the very least transformed and cracked wide open. I’m realizing that as long I build from a place of, ultimately false, security and common sense, I won’t be walking the path I most want to walk. I need to scrap the vision and instead create step by blind step, trusting that whatever it is I’m creating, or where I’m going, will come into the rearview mirror eventually. It’s not about strategizing and thinking from a money making point of view. It’s not about starting only when you have all of the pieces figured out. Not for me at least. It’s about checking in before making every move and honoring the “no” from within if that’s what you get. It doesn’t have to make sense. In fact, even better if it doesn’t.

I have a rough knowing of what it is I’m being asked to do now. And no it doesn’t make sense from a survival perspective, but it does make sense from a soul alignment perspective. I’m being asked to embrace the destination-less journey. To really hold down that space. To wander through it without aim and without need for an aim. To give up on following any footsteps and to stop allowing fear to whisper in my ear. I’m not walking the traditional route. I don’t want to. It didn’t fit.

Needless to say, this past week was an uncomfortable transition in many ways. But it’s all pushing me down exactly the path I’ve asked to go with my life. Comfort, safety, and guarantees are but fleeting moments on a path like this one. Far more common are moments of going beyond your comfort zone, beyond common sense, certainty and the manuals the world may give you. This is the road less traveled. And what a path it is.

I don’t yet know how I’ll do it, but expect to see the content on this blog and the life I’m living to begin fully owning and focusing on the destination-less journey. Oh what a travel blog that will be!

Until next week,
Amber

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